Reminiscence...

It's New Year time folks! And like everytime we have people making resolutions, deciding changes for the year that's coming: ranging from changes in looks to changes in the professional arena to fields of interest to many such unknown territories. During  my college days, I had some friends telling me that if you put an apple under your pillow on December 31st, you'd get a glimpse of your life partner at midnight. Many told me to make a wish at 12am and the wish would for sure come true. Honestly, I tried none. I'm a bit of  a non-believer. Though at times, it did cross me to do that apple trick. <I laugh at such idiosyncracies> Well! I'm not trying to sound "oh I'm so different from the crowd", it's just that "like many others" I too like the suddeness of events, though I'd love if it's more of the positives.

I don't call myself a writer, but my pen is married to my heart and together they give birth to wonderful lines. I don't even dare to call myself a poet, I guess the emotions in me rhyme. I work for the company that people run to work with but this, I feel, is not my end. I'm not in love either but I know for sure I'm a true romantic at heart and that I'd save all the love in me for my match.

The year 2011 has been good for me. It's been a year full of travelling and weddings. It started with my cousin's wedding and ended with four of my friends thinking alike and tieing the knot. Four of them!! The unmarried ones, including me, thought who's next? Somebody told me "when it starts raining nearby, know that you are the next to get drenched." I wonder whether to take it seriously or not. Both ways, to me, would be fine. What optimism!! Marriage scares me and my honesty only kills me. <raised eyebrow> My heart asks me to think about the man who's soul would be my property and vice-versa. I love to tickle my senses with the mushy thoughts. However, my brain differs. Goddam, it brings responsibilities, boundations, heaps of relations and so much more to the fore that marriage would bring with it. Every rose has got some thorns, eh? whatever that means...

It was an official tour that took me to Mumbai for 21 days. Some outing it was! Apart from learning the new software, I also learnt a few things about the people around and my capabilities. I understood how important it is to give those people a reality check who are nothing but a giant piece of useless flesh. <My My!! what crude words..did it remind you of some incident? Grrrrrr> I loved Mumbai for it gave me a sense of strange peace. I culminated that anytime in my life I'd feel the need to be alone and not disturbed, I'd run to Mumbai. Back from Mumbai, I had a month-long trip planned for Syria, Iraq and Iran. It was a religious one. Women in Syria are extremely beautiful and the children totally yum. They are congenial and all they'd ask of you is glass bangles. You give them bangles and they'd kiss you on your forehead out of happiness. Currency is a bit of a barrier in Iraq and Iran, though Lira (Syria) and Rupee is equal. It felt like a different world altogether.

I was fine with everything when I realised my tour was coming to an end. Back home, life was just as I had left it. Work was the usual, people the usual: no change in dramas and tactics and Lucknow at it's very best preparing for the monsoon. At work, it felt like I had known it but not been here since long. Everything felt old and soggy from my clothes to the weather. I shopped like crazy. Then Anna took to the stage and entertained the entire media fraternity. Fasting, suddenly, was the "in" thing. Dharnas in the capital became a picnic. "I am Anna" was the new status message for Facebook-ites. There was so much Anna-ism that I neared "gag gag puke puke". I remember this slogan school kids were shouting on the streets in Lucknow, "Baaki sab chingam hain, Anna hamare Singham hain." Peals of laughter!! The man secured a place in the history books of my children. Poor <future> babies!!

Diwali sparkled on me with the Jaipur trip. The forts are really a must watch, especially the Amer Fort. The one wish that I waited long for was finally fulfilled: Camel Ride. From the way the camel stands up (after you've sat on it) to the way it moves, to the way it sits was all fun. The other place for which I'd go back to Jaipur was Chokhi Dhaani. I've always fancied villages, living in huts, eating on banana leaves or leafplates (pattal), the carefree walks, the tree swings, Kulfi, the earthy smell, sitting under the tree...well! almost everything. I have only seen all this in television. Chokhi Dhaani felt like a beautiful well-lit village.

The time kept passing and I kept drawing moments on the canvass of 2011. I don't think I've ever promised myself anything at the end of a year for the upcoming year. I somehow feel I shouldn't be forcing things on myself. I've always dreamt of a free-flowing life that asks no questions. I guess I have grown into a person who forgives and forgets easily. Forgetting helps, not getting into unnecessary details help. I've cried, laughed, broken rules, tried Hukkah, fought for myself, glued myself to the beliefs I thought would be harsh but helpful. I've grown tremendously close to my parents. For 2012, I only pray to God to give me bigger responsibilities and better oppurtunities. <He knows what I'm pointing at. WINK!>

I'm game for 2012, is 2012 game for me??

Hug

The urge builds up,

crossing my heart,

ditching my brain.

The defining emotion,

knees feel like jelly,

eyes go mute.

My hands ache, 

my heart pounds,

I loathe the itch.

Holds up true,

such thoughts are few

fresh like dew.

Deep down I'm crawling, 

sometimes into oblivion,

sometimes towards you.

Happens all the time,

Shouldn't it change now?

'cause I feel, I know

All would appear brimming

it's when words fail,

what speaks is a Hug!

From a daughter's daughter

Dearestestest Nana & Nani,
It's time I speak to you. I'm fighting with the need to have you around me right now.. I hear so much about you, Nana, from Ammi that I think if I had the chance to be with you we would have been deadly. Ammi talks about your wit, ur presence of mind, ur poetry. You know something, in my initial years when I had just started writing poems..if someone ever asked me where am I getting the skills from, I would quickly say 'My nana was a poet'. I've always taken pride in that. The funny incidents like fooling the sweet shop owner or how u taught some 'over'smartass a lesson makes me laugh like crazy. I dun remember how many times I've heard it. Unfortunate me I haven't even seen my dada and both of you, I think, would have loved me to bits. Everytime, I used to visit my friends during vacations, somebody had nani over to her place for a holiday, somebdy had nana. I had none. Saddest, I swear! I'd come home and tell Ammi about it. Ammi told me she hardly remembers Nani 'cause she was a kid when Nani died in Iraq. All I hear about Nani is that she was the most simple lady. For you, Nana, I've heard that your wit amazed many. Sometimes, I address you in my prayers. I know...I know, I whine a lot at times and get absolutely demanding. You see, why I say you should have helped me grow up. You would have spoiled me in a better manner maybe. My poetry would have been way better. The way I write and the way I talk...actually everything.
You know, I've gone a sea-change in just some years' time. I've been dumb, I've been witty, I've been crazy and so much more. But what hurt me the most was loneliness when it happened. Grandparents play a huge role if one is fortunate enough to have them around during the growing up years. I wanted to run upto Nani and cuddle and complain about Ammi. I wanted to confide in you Nana for so many things from how sometimes I simply hated to be misunderstood by friends to why I did a particular thing for which I was scolded by either Ammi or Abba, from how very much I liked a guy playing the drums (only to realise later that guy on the guitar was far sexier) to why I can't stand those fair "chikna" mundas.
I wanted to discuss with you the unfair deals of the world we live in. How much I hate people poking their nose in my personal life or my family. You know, I always wanted to be independent and I am now. Thank God for my job! Some of my friends tell me that they feel like I've been working since ages. I always had this thing in my head that for the initial stage I want to study to the point after which I land myself a nice job and then study along with my job. I am doing exactly that. Somethings go just the way you had planned when you were young.
I'm happy in that case.
There were moments when I had a piece of write-up and I wanted just you to hear me out and know what state of mind and heart I wrote it in. I wanted either of you to help me escape my blunders. I wanted to be stubborn with you two. I wanted you to hold Ammi up when she was sad or messed up in head because of something at home. For some parts of my life, I havent been an obedient daughter. I troubled your daughter. I am sorry for that. I was growing up, I took a few things to be the "should do" and "must have". But again, I also want to thank you for giving me such a beautiful mother. She's scary at times, you know. Just when I say "I was thinking of..." and she'll complete my sentence. And it's BANG ON. Isn't that scary?? To this she tells me "I'm your mother." <Giggles>
A very dear friend of mine lost her dad today. She was in massive pain, I could sense it. That brought a picture very clear to my mind that I wont ever ever be able to live without either Ammi or Abba. Life would finish. I have constant fights with Abba...CONSTANT...when I'm at home and that is mostly Tuesday (my week off). By the way Nana, I get only one day off and my job timing is 5pm to 1am. Yes, I know, timing is painful. I've adjusted to it now. I kinda like it but I want to write as well. I do. Sometimes for the newspaper and sometimes for my blog and sometimes for the people I love.
So..you see your grand daughter is not the coolest or the prettiest or whatever. But I think I'm good enough for a lot of other things which would matter in the longer run. No, no...I'm not talking about cooking...no...no way Nana, I don't mean marriage when I say longer run. Now I'm closing my letter. Hope it reaches you well in time before I go to bed in peace to my dreams. I need a reply. I've only seen your pictures and I think Ammi looks like you. If nothing, she has your wit for sure.

Love
Ever-so-demanding grand daughter

Destiny, they call it

Waking up to desires
wishes deep-seated.
't was half-past two
and there was emptiness around.
I smiled welcoming the silence,
accepting the reality.
Hands folded at the back of my head,
I tried to peep into my future
only to realise
I don't have the privilege.
I, again, smile at my inability.
Long ago, I stopped questioning
Why I can't go with the 
flow of my heart?
Why am I trapped
with some harsh norms?
Instead, I now walk ahead
head held high
taking every reality as a positive.
All built up inside
that there wont be 
a show of tears,
there wont be sadness.
Still, I freeze at some thoughts,
Why is it necessary to be 
in everybody's good books?
Why is it a compulsion to comply
by the rules of some people?
Why is hypocrisy a statement?
Why is it tough to understand people
I want to call my own?
Unnerving, it is.
Guess, I'll cease to care
after a certain stage.
Though, I still can't ignore
that it's already been written for me,
Destiny, they call it.

We are independent...really?

Alright then!! I heard it was "Happy Independence Day" yesterday. <Yawn> Well! I slept all day for it was just an extra holiday I got from my usually just one day off work schedule. Yeah, so where do I begin..errr...I was actually all plans to post yesterday itself. But then I thought people are all high with the superficial feelings of patriotism and the synonyms, why bother them!! I gave in to the phrase 'every dog has it's day'.
Lets start from the basics- Are we really independent? My facebook wall is filled with status updates ranging from enhanced quotes to 'May India be blessed' to Happy Independence Day (the least). When the entire country was running bonkers saying the three words, I chose to update my status with a Dev Anand song. Ironically, friends liked and commented but nobody questioned the 'why' of it. Why a song on this eventful day? And that folks, is the biggest irony of it all. People don't question, they just sit and go with the flow. I want to mention here that I'm referring to the commoners. No commoner in India has the nerve to step out of their comfort zone to question the government. And here again I pinched in a 'why', wondering what it is? I could have said "No Indian..." in the earlier sentence but I chose "no commoner in India..." because ladies and gentlemen, we (I include myself too) don't have the right to be called Indians. What have we done to deserve that? Nothing...zilch!! We support those people who are the actual terrorists, who have been and are still doing us all the harm. Blasts happen and victims' family is given some money and they appear fine with it. What runs in your veins people? I'm sure it's not blood. Throw the money back on their face and compel them to actually do somethng if they care. Speeches wont help, condolences wont help! Money surely wont. Why should you let your dear ones go like that? Ask the govt what would they have done had it been someone from their family at the blast incident? Would they have asked for some money and settled? What would they have done? And when I am making these questions, I want to ask one more question which is lost somewhere, why is Kasab still alive? He should be killed in the most brutal manner and now please don't give me the Ahimsa speech. Please don't preach when you yourself can't walk on those paths. Long gone are the Bapu days. I so wish those days continued. Yes, I know what I'm saying. I know we were not free then, we were living under the British Rule. But atleast we walked as one, we fought as one which today is a sad issue to even comment on. Some prominent smartasses have made us puppets in their hands and we, unfortunately, fail to use our brain against it. Somebody, from another country, comes in and starts ruling us doesn't mean belongs to our country. It takes the real blood to feel attached. Terrible but the truth! We the people of India are appreciated for our complexion, our food, our dresses and so many other things but honestly, I'm sure we are laughed at for issues like corruption and unity. CWG just added to our woes.

Getting back to the Kasab issue, why is he still alive? for more blasts? or is it a matter of vote bank? I'd like to quote a friend here "atleast don't play vote bank politics in the name of terrorism." If a terrorist is a hindu shoot him, if it's a muslim shoot him. At the end of the day he's taking innocent lives. 60 long years have passed and instead of problems lessening, problems are only increasing by the second. And we know who the real culprit is. I guess after 400 years of playing slaves, it runs in our blood. It makes me sad.
Last night I was talking to a friend on the independence issue and he suddenly said "it beats me why Pakistanis and Indian Muslims are considered same." It hit me. I hate to mention it, this friend of mine is a non-muslim but that's not what the point is. The point is that in our heart we still stand together, we still want to speak up and protect each other, however, we don't have the nerve to go against someone who says in full public eye that he/she totally supports just 'our' community. We can't dare to. Why?

Back to where I began- Are we really independent? No, we're not and perhaps, we never will be. For that, nobody is to be blamed, the onus is on us. Independence has become just like any other word in the dictionary with, of course, a little spark to it and the spark is that every year on August 15, we tell ourself and the people alike that we are celebrating this word. When in reality, this word has become a part of the game that the so-called trailblazers are playing.
So, please do not flatter yourself and celebrate Independence Day when you free urself from all this. Till then atleast don't comply with them. Do what your heart believes in. Keep poking till it becomes an ugly mark that aches.

P.S. I can't talk politics, I don't understand much of it but I do understand the difference between right and wrong. I truly feel, we should first strive to get freedom from sanity 'cause the day we get it, we'll know where to head next.

Amor perdido (what it is and we we make it)

So, what does this four letter word "LOVE" mean anyway? Varied definitions, varied emotions. How does it happen? What does one feel when in it? What does it do to you? Too many questions...ah!
I don't think I need to define love for I see it everyday blossoming at home between my parents. But that's that. What has my generation come to with it? Why is it so blown out of proportion? Maybe because it's an "in" thing or maybe because it's the need of the hour. Okay, same thing I know. Yesterday I was chatting with my friend on the same topic and he told me something which at first was like "oh what crap!" but it's the truth. He said, people today fall in love for so small a thing as dropping her home every night. That is really happening these days. I don't blame girls or boys my age. There are moments so overwhelming that we are totally in the grip of your heart. There are moments when  we want to be loved and we want to love someone back. However, that doesn't mean anybody would do. Stop and think befor diving. Emotions flow like blood in the veins and all one could at all think of is "maybe it's love". And even though one feels a "maybe" there in the heart but by the time it comes out it's "for sure". Our bollywood movies have made it such a big thing that we have Romeos and Juliets in every nook and corner.
I find it funny and at the same time thought-provoking when school-going girls talk about being madly in love with a classmate or some local band member. The stars shine better, the air has the bf's smell, the moon sends a message and boy! the blushes and the butterflies in the stomach that they feel is coming out of either novels or movies or maybe it's just the air around. I, again, don't blame them. Well! who am I anyway? I don't even know what it was to be in love during school days. I sucked at it, how would I guess!!
One thing that hits me is attraction which is pretty natural and I say, should keep happening to everyone, age no bar. But trading attraction for love is absolutely dumb. Attraction is a sober state of mind and heart. I like attractions. I have it every week, I think. But I dun confirm it for the four letter word.
The hurtful part of this entire deal is that people in love (as I take it from them) dun get hassled if they have a breakup. Okay, some are devastated but the ratio is not killer. The max junta moves on without so less as a last thought of what it could have been had it been actually LOVE. Come to think of it, Love is the purest emotion which, sadly, is in impure hands now-a-days. Doesn't it ring the bell in your head. When love happens, you'd know. There are ways and hints that make you feel it. A mere attraction can't lead you to culminate your first or second or whatever. It's trashy to feel that such a beautiful emotion is being wasted on randomness.

P.S. I believe in love and I'll love someone someday. It'll last a lifetime.

Then there was light...Shuchi Saket Goswami!!

I can never thank my stars enough for showering me with this one person I'd stick to forever. She's life, she's light, she's exuberance, she's fun, she's a kid and she's my friend SHUCHI. For the one part of my life when I thought I'm left with no hope but to sulk and be stupid, she stepped in like a fairy Godmother asking me my wish with a shining magic wand in her hand. What could I have asked for but my smile back. She not only got me my smile back but my life back into my soul. Ever chance upon such a friend?
I've never mustered it in me to tell her this, I guess I should say this now==== I've always wanted to be like you, to be you. Wherever you go, people love you, they want to be around you 'cause of the beautiful person you are from within. I wish I could be like this sometime. Your name is on everybody's lips. Wish mine was too. Guess, I'm not made for this but you know what, I can still go around boasting about my buddie. Ever had this feeling, folks?
The strange way of taking care of me, the way you put things forth, the way you deal with problems, the way you live life- full & content, I've adopted it all. No, I know it'll be tough for you digesting all this 'cause you hate the melodrama so I'd be a bit honest about something here. DISCLAIMER: It was always the impatient and irritable me who acted like a nutcase. So, at times over the phone call, I just wanted to hang up for you used to act like this crazy woman yelling at me for something which was an outcome of my boredom or bugged up self. Or the times when you'd just call up forcing me to do something at odd times and I just didn't want to do but I had no options either. I wanted to tell you a straight NO but man! I couldn't dare! You know why, 'cause I knew you did all for my good and to make me happy. You helped me mature wisely, being at ease with myself. Well! I'm not too sure if I'm 100% mature or 100% wise.
There have been moments that I'd probably narrate to our kids. Moments of me bugging you to click me while on the rickshaw, moments of laughter, moments of sobs. You filled in that gap in my life when the space was getting way too out of my hands. I know, I'm talking too much and I should stop now but I can't just finish before saying that your husband is one helluva lucky man. He's got you!

P.S. I'm happy that my "was" didn't go a waste because it gave me you.
and if this is what we get when we are sad and lifeless, I'd like to pretend time and again that I'm sad ;)

Incident III: I'm here always

See this picture, you wore my night gown and danced when I was feeling low. You looked so funny and ah...so adorable," said Feiyaz looking at the picture in the album.
"Crap! take a look at this one. The disgust is so visible in your eyes when Svetlana's daughter leaked on your trouser," she giggled holding Neil's hand. Neil didn't say anything. He just kept gaping at her.
"what?" she asked.
"can't take my eyes off you"
"try some other line, loser," she said and placed a peck on his cheek.
"sleep now, you need rest," Neil said closing the album.
"I don't. I'm fine"
"I know how fine you are. Doc has asked you to take maximum rest."
"Oh relax!. Listen, I want to stay up all night and do every crazy thing that we used to do..."
"...no way. you're sleeping," Neil adjusted the pillow.
"Darl, don't make me beg. I want to live it up tonight with you," she held his hands and looked into his eyes.
"We can do this tomorrow"
"tomorrow never comes, my love. It's right here, right now"
"tomorrow will come...and don't you talk..."
"buzz off ya. You know it best how to spoil my mood," she yelled and played the music loud. Neil went off. She didn't care to see. Five minutes later, he came out wearing Feiyaz's night gown.
"Ahem! and how about a strip show?" Feiyaz turned and threw him a flying kiss. Her eyes sparkled.
"sounds fun," she changed the music to a soft and enchanting number. Neil started grooving and Feiyaz whistled and winked at him.
Neil and Feiyaz, both salsa professionals, fell in love during a salsa concert and one year later got married. Apart from salsa, there was nothing common in them. Neil, the calm and the composed one and Feiyaz, the hyperactive impatient woman. While Neil would plan the day before hand, Feiyaz would live in the moment. They fought almost everyday and on insane issues. It was only when Neil would grab her by her waist and kiss her passionately that there'd the end to the baseless fight. In there four-year-old marriage, they had decided to divorce each other atleast 40 times only to realise that neither of them would be able to live without the other. They were counted amongst one of the most strikingly attractive couple. They were happy with each other but fate had decided something else. After continued illness, doctors confirmed that Feiyaz was suffering from a blood disorder ans she wont live long. Feiyaz had literally begged the doctors not to tell Neil about it. She feared he would break and start panicking. Little did she know that Neil knew about it because of the medical report that was delivered home. Neil, on the other hand, didn't want to tell Feiyaz for he thought she would break down and the little time that he had with her would go crying. He wanted to spend the time fighting and laughing with her.

"You psycho, you are wearing my thongs to," she ran towards him and got hold of the string. Neil didn't protest and she pulled it. Neil grabbed her by her waist and kissed her forehead. Feiyaz rubbed her face gently on his face and then began kissing him. Feiyaz wrapped her arms around his neck and caressed his hair. Neil lifted her and took her to bed. Suddenly, her expressions started changing. She felt uneasy.
"You alright?"
"of course," she winked. She shifted uncomfortably in the bed.
"Fei..." he said when she closed her eyes for few seconds.
"I'm alive," she hit him on his head managing a smile to hide the pain. Neil sensed it.
"Neil..."
"hmmm..."
"take me in your arms and help me sleep please," he nodded not able to say anything. He wiped his tears when she turned.
"If I ask you for something, you won't say no?"
"I won't...ever"
"Can I have some ice cubes right now?"
"Fei...ask me for something else. Cubes harm you"
"You won't say no. Please, I'm dying for it. It's been four months I haven't had even one. Get me some please," she had that helpless look on her face. Her puppy eyes convinecd him. Neil got ice-cubes and Feiyaz ate it like she was starving. She always said, "ice-cubes are stress busters. I go too numb to feel the shit around me."
Neil kept looking at her trying to fill his eyes and heart with Feiyaz. But the more he saw, the less it was. She was going...away from him forever...to another world. He cried and wrapped her in his arms. She fell asleep but Neil was awake, sometimes caressing her, sometimes kissing her forehead. With every breath she took, his hopes increased. Neil held her close to his heart feeling her alive and with him...she looked at him and smiled. "I'm here always" were the last words she said.

The uncalled for drama vs Head & Heart

To let it be, is not always a doable option. Infact to me it has never been one. I feel stuck, like maybe there's something that's stopping me from taking the next step. I know I have to make things even before starting again. I Know that my heart yells at me for not speaking what it wants but I go helpless. And I hate it! But then, it's not just about my heart that yells at me, my head feels in pain too. Both of them puncture me, my thoughts exude freedom and my feelings support it. I'm told I sound confusing to which I always say, I'm not confusing I know what I want, it's just because I'm never able to express that I sound messed. Life gets mean at times, but so what...I've been mean to it too.
To say, life's right here right now, live every moment full indeed gives a high. And it's not totally bookish. Everybody can do it, infact we all do it some or the other time, but a selfish person does it best. Why? 'Cause he doesn't have to enter the house happy and two minutes later be glum for people back home expected exactly the opposite of what he did moments ago. The fastest reaction would be "what the heck! Can't I be happy?" But later when you (the selfless folks) think about it, you'd understand the fact that perhaps you havent lived up to their expectations and then you'd want to blow yourself up. Again why? Because your heart slaps you right then and tells you that it hates your head. And mind it, you can't even dare to think that you can abandon either of them. No...no!! Who do we listen to? Now the rational mass would question (I hate question marks) "what sort of idea is that? heart and head is both in one body, our body?" Folks, folks...they are but they are mean and pretty secretive about what the other wants. Just when you'd think you've conquered both, they'll together put you in such a situation that you might begin to fumble.
Whoever said life's a cakewalk when we let our heart rule, is someone who's never seen the downs. There's no negativity in downs, not at all. But it sure shakes us head to toe at times. There's so much to do in life, the highest on priority being LIVING! But, ironically,  are we actually living? Maximum would say "yes". I would not confront, maybe they are. I'm, perhaps, talking about the minimum. So, are we actually doing what's top on our priority list? No, we are not...we are running madly to do our jobs everyday because it gives us a feeling that we are free and of course 'cause it's paying our bills. We are fulfilling expectations of the ones dear to us, apart from eating, sleeping, dreaming and blah. Oh! I just mentioned dreaming. Yes! like any other normal human being we dream too. Infact, some of us dare to dream. I hope I'm not being too harsh, am I? well! then I'm sorry but just when I dare to dream, I dare to accept the reality too. So you see... I say at times I want to live like a bird only to hit by the fact that even a birdie is scared to fly free in the sky for someone might be aiming at it.
How many times have we done this- have a bad day at work or with people close to you and all you could think of doing is 'sleep it off'? I do it many times and I'm not ashamed of doing it or admitting it. Atleast when I wake up I'm fresh enough to face it. And I know of people who even after the 'sleep it off' can't face it. "what can a sleep do?" Apparently, nothing. It only takes you to the world you've created for yourself from which when you step out (wake up) you have the confidence in you to face it 'cause you know there's a life completely yours which you can get back to. You are LIVING there and not being a slave to your relations, to the society, to the corporate world you belong to. My only question is "why can't we listen to our heart, consult with our head and LIVE a life that's a gift to us?" I'd never be convinced with a "jee toh rahe hain." When will that time come when we'll LIVE FOR OURSELF? NO, I'm not pointing towards being selfish. I'm just saying when will one person understand the other person's need to be free? Why are we trapped with words like promises, expectations, emotions? It all seems uncalled for. I'm sorry but it does. After sometime, even the sorry has no effect. It seems a waste of alphabets. I sound bugged...yeah I am! Not with anyone in particular but the entire system that makes and breaks us.
LIVE IT!!

MUMBAI BLASTS LIVE UPDATES

7.32 pm: Three blasts in Mumbai, at least 15 injured: Reports  
Sad!!  
8.34 pm: Near simultaneous blasts kill at least 8 in Mumbai  
Thank You! 
8.55 pm: Security stepped up in Chennai  
Wow!! they know how to spell security.
8:36 pm: Many injured in blasts: Maharashtra chief minister  
Thank you for informing but the little money you guys left us with, we bought television sets at home of that. We can see. 
9.13 pm: Improvised explosive used in at least one blast: Police  
So?? what do we do?? Is it for us to take care of?? Are you of any help to us?? 
9.19 pm: Maintain peace: Milind Deora urges Mumbai residents
How do you expect someone, who's just lost a dear one, to maintain peace? Are you out of your head or something?? 
9.28 pm: High alert sounded in Hyderabad after Mumbai blasts  
Peace!! 
9.33 pm: High alert in Gujarat following blasts in Mumbai  
Now scare the shit out of Gujaratis also. They know what has just happened and more so they know how the government functions in their country. Trust you me, they won’t blame you guys. 
9:50 pm: Rains lash south Mumbai, evidence may be washed off  
Even better!!  
9.50 pm: Chidambaram chairs high-level meeting after serial blasts rock Mumbai  
Meeting...Oh yes, that was very much needed. <Yawns>
9.51 pm: Chidambaram appeals for calm after Mumbai blasts  
ohhh Hullo!! it's you guys who make the most fuss about it...we'll give money to the family of the ones who died, we'll reach here, we'll do this, we'll do that...for a change..DO SOMETHING "if" you can!!  
9.52 pm: Pakistan condemns Mumbai blasts  
Whoa! C'mon...don't duh me...really? 
9.53 pm: President mourns loss of lives in Mumbai blasts  
Are we talking about the same Prez who didn't care enough to stand for the national anthem while in some other country?? what more do we say? Mourn!!  
10.00 pm: Home Minister to reach Mumbai on Thursday morning  
Why morning Uncle? Chill, even if you reach by noon, we wont poke. You anyways just have to give away some money and shrug it off. Blah!!  
10.05 pm: President, VP condemn Mumbai blasts; PM talks to Maha CM  
Talk...you don’t even know what your phone bill figures, how does it matter! Get a life people, go beyond "condemn". TRY!! 
10.11 pm: Maharashtra governor condemns Mumbai blasts  
Great! we all do, would you do just this as the governor of Maharashtra? Relax! Relax!!.We're just asking, no expectations!
10.29 pm: 3 blasts in Mumbai, 21 dead, 113 injured  
Amazing!! How much money would that be settled for Mister Prime Minister?? 
10.37 pm: Obama strongly condemns Mumbai attacks, offers US help  
Take it without a second thought! Offer na milega dobara...! No, you can actually ignore the offer. why?? C'mon, don't you remember we got August 15 coming? Well! like propahh drunkards...they don't need an occasion to offer us blasts and US thus offers us help.  

Why don't you people come up with a solid plan of action? Come to think of it, you guys shrug it off after giving statements in the news and whole lot of drama showing your concern. Honestly, we don't need it any more. There is enough melodrama going on in the society but when it comes to problems of the locality (to say the least) we all stand up as one and solve it out. Stop acting like "vadde log te vaddi gallaan". Don't bullshit us, we're your people!! 99% we're sure that the moment families of the ones hurt or dead go mum, your statements would lessen and you'd get back to square one ------- licking it outta US or China or some other nation...eeerrrrrr, I mean you'd strengthen ties with these nations. And in the name of that, you travel to places, have lavish dinners, adore the beauty! ohhh come on now, don't get pissed! It's actually what you guys do and the poor us, we think "now our condition would change soon". And the 1% left is the hope against hope!!  
Aaarrgghhhh! I think I wasted my time writing this piece. Nevermind!!! 

Tonight with you...

"See this picture, you wore my night gown and danced when I was feeling low. You looked so funny and ah...so adorable," said Feiyaz looking at the picture in the album.

"Crap! take a look at this one. The disgust is so visible in your eyes when Svetlana's daughter leaked on your trouser," she giggled holding Neil's hand. Neil didn't say anything. He just kept gaping at her. 

"what?" she asked.

"looking at my future"

"Present...focus...present," she said and placed a peck on his cheek.

"sleep now, you need rest," Neil said closing the album.

"I don't. I'm fine"

"I know how fine you are. Doc has asked you to take maximum rest."

"Listen," she said licking her lips, "I want to stay up all night and do every crazy thing that we used to do..."

"...no way. you're sleeping," Neil adjusted the pillow.

"Baby, don't make me beg. I want to live it up tonight with you," she held his hands and looked into his eyes.

"We can do this tomorrow"

"tomorrow never comes, my love. It's right here, right now"

"tomorrow will come...and don't you talk..."

"buzz off ya. You know it best how to spoil my mood," she yelled and played the music loud. Neil went off. She didn't care to see. Five minutes later, he came out wearing Feiyaz's night gown.

"Ahem! and how about a strip show?" Feiyaz turned and he threw her a flying kiss. Her eyes sparkled.

"sounds fun," she changed the music to a soft and enchanting number. Neil started grooving and Feiyaz whistled and winked at him.

Neil and Feiyaz, both salsa professionals, fell in love during a salsa concert and one year later got married. Apart from salsa, there was nothing common in them. Neil, the calm and the composed one and Feiyaz, the hyperactive impatient woman. While Neil would plan the day before hand, Feiyaz would live in the moment. They fought almost everyday and on insane issues. It was only when Neil would grab her by her waist and kiss her passionately that there'd the end to the baseless fight. In there four-year-old marriage, they had decided to divorce each other atleast 40 times only to realise that neither of them would be able to live without the other. They were counted amongst one of the most strikingly attractive couple. They were happy with each other but fate had decided something else. After continued illness, doctors confirmed that Feiyaz was suffering from a blood disorder. Feiyaz had literally begged the doctors not to tell Neil about it. She feared he would break and start panicking. Little did she know that Neil knew about it because of the medical report that was delivered home. Neil, on the other hand, didn't want to tell Feiyaz for he thought she would break down and the little time that he had with her would go crying. He wanted to spend the time fighting and laughing with her.

"You psycho, you are wearing my thongs too," she ran towards him and got hold of the string. Neil didn't protest and she pulled it. Neil grabbed her by her waist and kissed her forehead. Feiyaz rubbed her face gently on his face and then began kissing him in the most passionate manner ever. Feiyaz wrapped her arms around his neck and caressed his hair. Neil lifted her and took her to bed. Suddenly, her expressions started changing. She felt uneasy. 

"You alright?"

"of course," she winked. She shifted uncomfortably in the bed.

"Fei..." he said when she closed her eyes for few seconds. 

"I'm alive, you dimwit," she hit him on his head managing a smile to hide the pain. Neil sensed it. 

"Neil..."

"hmmm..."

"take me in your arms and help me sleep please," he nodded not able to say anything. He wiped his tears when she turned.

"If I ask you for something, you won't say no?"

"I won't...ever"

"Can I have some ice cubes right now?"

"Fei...ask me for something else. Cubes harm you"

"You won't say no. Please, I'm dying for it. It's been four months I haven't had even one. Get me some please," she had that helpless look on her face. Her puppy eyes convinecd him. Neil got ice-cubes and Feiyaz ate it like she was starving. She always said, "ice-cubes are stress busters. I go too numb to feel the shit around me."

Neil kept looking at her trying to fill his eyes and heart with Feiyaz. But the more he saw, the less it was. She was going...away from him forever...to another world. He cried and wrapped her in his arms. She fell asleep but Neil was awake, sometimes caressing her, sometimes kissing her forehead. With every breath she took, his hopes increased. Neil held her close to his heart feeling her alive and with him...she looked at him and smiled. "I'm here always" were the last words she said.

Change

That drop on the leaf
appeared like a pearl,
the morning from my window
looked the brightest one could wish for,
that blue-feathered bird
sang from its heart.
The desires of my heart
helped me be lost in my dreams.
I felt the sky and the cloud
smiling at me,
my eyes grew shy
was the mirror crimson
or was it...?
My feet, undecided, showed me
the view so fresh,
every step felt like i
was walking on snow.
Life around me 
was, perhaps, changing.
Every moment was sinking...
...sinking deep in me slowly.
Maybe, the one above
was sharing my happiness.
I soaked myself in rain,
arms stretched wide
I embraced life and
for a minute I held myself back
my heart was scared
for it prayed for
this unknown happiness
to stay.
Though, sure it was...
...somebody is coming!

Of trauma and happiness together

I asked her if she knew,

the soul difference between life and death.

I asked her if she understood,

the meaning of slicing off of her own body part.

I asked her if she at all

thought about it for once before giving up.

I asked her to narrate

the whole episode to me.

I asked her if she

felt attached to it, even for a second.

She stopped me before I could 

grill her more and burst into tears.

She held my hand and said,

"One month passed and I lay oblivion

of the life developing in me.

But one fine day when the 

day broke into night I realised

what it was...(her voice cracked)

...my happiness grew out of bounds.

I forgot everything and felt like

pampering and feeling special

'cause I was a 'soon-to-be-a-mother'

I told him about the sheer glow

that would be between us.

He hugged me and kissed my forehead.

He thanked me like I gave him his golden wish.

I tell you that was 

one of the best moments of my life.

We chuckled and made future plans.

From the baby's name to it's educational endeavours.

We discussed it all.

Three months later, that morning I felt 

a slight shudder, though my smile washed it off

'cause I thought it was my baby growing.

Our turn came at the clinic

as the pain just didn't stop.

She examined with all she could.

The last scene I remember

before my eyes closed

was my husband's blubbery eyes

telling me everything will be fine.

I woke up to hear my baby was no more. 

In a blank state 

I questioned him, I questioned 

the doctor

I felt...

I felt like I was ruined,

like I've lost some important part of me.

I cried, I yelled for my baby

I wanted to know the reason

He took me in his arms and said, "Our baby was dead, it

had no breath, no pulse."

How do I believe all this, when I

felt it grow in me every fraction of a second?

I tried to gather myself but failed.

They asked me why I gave up

You see I didn't... life inside me, 

instead, gave up."

Listening to all of this I could not 

hold myself back and succumbed.

I was shaken off my sleep

to see my 'soon-to-be-a-mother' friend

standing with the brightest smile I've ever seen.

I couldn't, obviously, tell her

but I thanked my God for it

being just a nightmare.

Marriage...Incident II

"Bellaaaaaa," I yelled at the top of my lungs.
"Dude, my eardrums would curse you one day for sure," she covered her ears with her hands.
"why the hell do I have to got through this again?" I asked.
"cause it's time you pick one from our list or tell us your choice," Bella, my best friend, was trapped by my mother for her mission. Wow!
"you can't be my friend!"
"that won't help you escape, so..."
"fine," I declared and Bella was left surprised, rather shocked.
"you're ready for it?"
"'course...is he?"
"what?" the sudden change of mood was unacceptable to Bella. Typical woman that she is! If at once you agree to something, she'll think there's some nuisance there.
"game for it?"
"totally"
"well then, he'll have a ride of his life," I grinned.
"I'm not amused, Fei"
"that's why my friend, you're married. buhahahaha..."
"Fei..." I ignored her and opened my closet.
"Bel, what do I wear? oh and yeah, what time is it fixed?"
"5pm"
"Perfect, I'm sure this would be the last time ma asks me to marry," the last few words were only for my ears.
"What are you mumbling?"
"hmmm, nothing at all. Just excited"
"not bad Fei, I'm happy you're finally understanding aunty"
"You bet I am"
My mother was after my life to get me married, I never understood the reason. I was only 24 years of age, young enough to go out and explore the world and establish myself. I was in no mood to serve a swollen ego of some corporate slave. I had better things to do in life. This would be the fourth guy I'd meet. Neil was the name. Nice name, but what's in a name anyways!
"Feiyaz, what are you doing inside? come down or I'll come up."
"Coming, my love," I said over the phone.
I wore a torn leather skirt with a shimmery shirt, exposing my UGs, tucked in and a feather cap. I left my hair untied, wore mismatched earings, red lipstick and purple eyeliner and boots.
"Hi everybody" I said standing on the stairs legs crossed. Ma didn't look at me even for once fearing I might just be weird. Mothers I tell you! She looked at Neil to introduce me, "Neil, this is..."she turned to me, "jeez". Neil blowed water from his mouth when he saw me. I fluttered my eyelashes.
"Feiyaz," ma gave me an angry look, too late for that. Bella joined ma, dad giggled. I winked at him and went straight to Neil.
"Hey Neil," I pinched him on his arm.
"huh!"
"New pinch, nice shirt"
"It isn't new," he was puzzled.
"Oh! ya? Actually, people always wear something new when they go for proposals and all," I said casually. "Eh! I'm sorry, you can pinch me back if you want."
"there she goes again," I heard dad tell Bella. I kept standing near him.
"Sit down, Feiyaz," ma said.
"yeah" I didn't take my eyes off him. I could smell uneasiness.
"something wrong," he settled his shirt and things around him.
"naah, was just wondering why aren't you wearing anything new. Aren't you excited to meet me?" I said taking a deep breath. He still didn't say anything. Bugger! Tough nut!
"Let me show you my room." Dad lowered the newspaper to look at me. I winked, he smiled and ma grew tense. I took him upstairs to my room.
"what's your zodiac?"
"Taurus"
"whattt! ah...err...I mean...uh-ohkay, Taurus," I fumbled more than required. God! I should've been an actress.
"What's with the Taurus thing?" he said totally easy about what I could've meant by that. He took a chewing gum from his pocket and offered me one.
"I hate gum, chewing gums," I twichted my nose.
"I love 'em. I eat it all the time," he said. Loser!
"this is my room," I said pointing at the door. The door quote read "Buggers stay out!"
"Buggers!!, so I'm liked then, I guess?" he dared to ask.
"reality check..." I sneered.
"huh?" he reacted like a pinched him in his butt.
"please sit," I pulled out the couch for him.
"can I use your bathroom?"
"no," I laughed, "of course, this way," I have heard that going for a leak at times happens when one is nervous. He went in and exactly after 20 seconds I knocked.
"yea"
"What else are you doing in there?" I questioned.
"what the hell!"
"guys take only 20 seconds for a leak, I've read a survey. so, I was guessing..." I was shouting unnecessarily for my voice to reach him when he opened the door and stood infront of me. I liked his timing. I batted my eyelashes and tilted my head to the left. His expression changed from irritation to disgust. I could sense my victory yet again.
"you took more than 20 minutes, unlike guys," I knew if someone would've done the same to me, I'd have smashed the person's face right there.
"so, does that conclude I'm not a guy?"
Boy! he was pissed. I didn't feel sorry.
"how on earth am I supposed to know that?" I picked up a candle and smelled it, turned to him and said, "smell this." He was standing near the bedpost staring at me.
"What happened? this is one of my favourite candle, smells really good," and that was the only truth of the one-hour conversation I had with him.
"I don't like candles"
"really? I've read..."
"I don't want to know what you've read. I just don't." Had I been a 5-year0old kid, he would have slapped me for sure.
I frowned, "you're so rude"
"and you?"
"I'm trying to know your tastes, you're not even trying, goose!" 'piss on your tastes' I said to myself.
"Goose! huh...sure. you're telling me what you like, when did you ask me my tastes?"
"that's how I'd know," I sniffed like I would cry any minute.
"strange ways..." he said, I covered my face to make it even more clear that I can cry.
"alright, I'm sorry. Sit, we'll talk," the moment he sat on the couch, there came a funny sound, that of a fart!
I held my nose with my thumb and index funger and my eyes bulged. He was embarrassed and I contributed to it by spraying the room freshner.
"need a tablet?" I asked.
"I...ummm...I didn't do that..."
"it's fine, happens. Don't be abashed, c'mon" I burst out laughing, "but seriously, do you need a tablet?"
"nooo" he was losing it with me and I was enjoying every minute. Poor guy! fell victim to the fart-ish toy placed under the couch. By then, comfort was just ouot of the list.
I lifted my pillow and threw it on the side he sat. I started running all around the room throwing things here and there. I pulled out the drawer and not finding anything, I scratched my head and pulled my hair. Neil looked startled, "what's wrong? you fine?"
"I...can't find my cheese cube. I had kept it somewhere. God!" I panicked.
"my cheese cube? there must be some in the kitchen..."
"I eat mozarella cheese. I can't do without it...I'm sweating, shit! I'll faint," I held my head.
"yuck...unbaked mozarella tastes like puke,"
"you've had puke, freak! you don't know...it's heaven," I closed my eyes and licked my lips.
"you're addicted?"
"whatever..." I crashed on my bed and ripped my boots and socks and acted liked a crazy woman.
"I think I should leave," said Neil afraid I might just molest him. I began breathing heavily and groaning and whispered, "cheese, uh...cheese...ummm....ohh...cheese!"
He left the room murmering something and I was successful yet again. I immediately called dad.
"mission accomplished?" dad asked.
"yet again, baby" I sang.
"guess what, I'm addicted to mozarella of all things in my life" I giggled.
"what!"
"yes dad...it just happened, you see. But I swear, he's tough.
"you are such a devil, Fei"
"I know and I hope he spreads the word like fire," just then the door flung open and to my bewilderment Neil stood there, "Good job!"
I was boxed. I did feel bad, but for some seconds. It was party time for me anyways.
Two weeks later, I got to know that Neil has said a 'yes' to me. All that while, he followed me and gathered as much information about me as possible. He also said that I was the woman who could keep him kicking all his life. Right!!
It's been four years since then and I'm happy kicking him day and night!

Rains...Incident I

I sat on the giant window of my room with the newspaper in my hand. 'Rains in Pune have (almost) always been good,' I had heard this from many people. 'This would be my first shohwers here' I thought to myself. The weather in the newspaper said it would rain. Unlike other days when I used to get up around 11 in the morning, that day I got up at eight. I was sitting wide awake reading the newspaper, getting excited about enjoying the rain. My well-paid job in this strangely welcoming jovial city helped me afford a rented flat in this lavish apartment. The one thing I always liked here was sitting alone on this beautiful window sipping my first coffee of the day reading the newspaper. There was something peaceful here. I did not have much friends in Pune since I was new to the place. Even though the people are compassionate and amicable, there are times when I just want to be with myself only.
That day was, perhaps, one such day. It was my off from work and I felt utterly lazy. I played Air Supply's making love out of nothing at all and hopped from one corner to the other. I so wish somebody dedicates this song to me. Just wish. I wore a purple and mauve check boxers and a white NIKE T-shirt. It was neither very hot nor too cold, though it was breezy. The weather was pleasant. Seemed like it would rain heavily, the clouds meant that. I headed towards the bathroom to lighten up myself. Within a matter of ten minutes it had started raining. I wanted to waste no time at all. I stepped out of my flat and saw my neighbours pet standing at my door. I did not understand what it wanted me to do so I took it along with me to the terrace. It felt heavenly up there. There was a particular song that the rain drops sang. I stood there allowing every drop to sink deep in me. There was a fresh smell around and I stretched my arms to hug the rain. I held the little dalmatian in my arms and danced. The pup hopped with me from one corner to another. I looked around and saw a boy admiring me from the terrace of another building. I smiled and he smiled back. I could not see much of him since I was a little far from the building. I ignored him completely and moved towards the other end. After sometime when I came back to fetch my cotton wrap from the mosaic pedestal, I looked over and saw the boy still standing there, like he did not move at all. He appeared to be my age. I went closer and he turned to me and smiled yet again. His eyes sparkled this time. I was shivering. He poitned at my cotton wrap asking me to put it on. I immediately wrapped myself and went near the railing, though he did not move from his place. I tried to call him near, he did not. Instead he smiled. It was intriguing. I leaped and saw that he was limp. I was taken aback, tear ran down my cheek and he motioned me to wipe it. He smiled and mouthed, "I'm fine".
From that day I used to go to the terrace every day to get a glimpse of him. There were so many questions in my mind, like was he limp by birth?, did he have any family?, how did he manage to come up to the terrace? I got no answers at all to my questions. One day while going for work, when I crossed the community park I spotted him scribbling something on a notebook. He was sitting on a wheel chair. i went close to him, "hi". He looked up at me surprised.
"So, you found me?" he questioned without so much as less as a smile.
"Yeah! I mean I used to go to the terrace in search of you. You disappeared after that," I was hesitant. He said nothing.
"I'm feiyaz. I, uh..." I was just saying when he wheeled away like I wasn't even there. I followed him.
"You know this is rude"
"So be it"
"Ah? what is the matter with you?"
"You," he said looking straight into my eyes making me uncomfortable.
"I didn't understand"
"You...please leave me alone"
"I need to know why my presence bothers you and how when we hardly know each other"
"You remind me of my accident. I lost my leg then. Is this reason enough for you to stay away," he said ruthlessly.
"this is just so crazy. How?" He wheeled faste now and I walked even faster to get him. Irritated, he stopped.
"I was trying to save a girl when the truck ran over my leg"
"I resemble that girl?"
"No. But the sequence of incidents resemble"
"resemble what?
"I met this girl on the same terrace where you stood that day. Same dress up, the cotton wrap, mosaic pedestal, sharing smiles, then you ignoring me and then coming back and then me asking you to wrap yourself. Your eyes...speak exactly the way her eyes did. The exuberant self..." he stopped clutching on to the handles of the wheel chair panting and sweating ceaselessly. I placed my hand on his shoulder but he jerked it.
"Who was that girl? stranger like me?"
"Initially, yes"
"then..."
"she was my fiancee"
I was stunned to silence. I was mute.
"I can't take your sight, your presence, it hurts me," he lowered his head covering his face with his hands.
"I'm sorry," I could just say this.